Staring cockeyed into the future

“When Opti-Grab came out, I thought it was the greatest thing ever. And I bought a pair. And this is the result, ”a badly cross-eyed Carl Reiner says during his mock press conference in Steve Martin’s 1979 comedy classic “The Jerk.”



“This little handle is like a magnet. Your eyes are drawn to it, and you end up cockeyed.”



I remember thinking about that scene when I first heard about Google Glass a few years ago. Like the little handle Navin R. Johnson solders on to the bridge of Stan Fox’ glasses to keep them from slipping off his face, it seems like a great idea until Carl Reiner winds up on national TV announcing a $10 million class action suit against you.



Don’t get me wrong — particularly, any of you lawyers over at Google. I am not saying Google Glass is going to make you cross-eyed. But let’s just say I wouldn’t want to find out the hard way.



It’s just too much to look at less than an inch from your eyeball — kind of like when I was a kid and I thought it was a good idea to see movies like “Star Wars” in the front row of the theater. It’s just too much.



Which is kind of how I feel about the Apple Watch, too. Again, don’t take this the wrong way — particularly, the legal department in Cupertino this time — but it’s just an awful lot to pack into a screen that only measures 1.49 inches diagonally.



I think there is a big future for wearable technology, particularly as it relates to health care. But I am not convinced that watches or eyeglasses are the right application.



I know that the technology is going to continue to evolve at an alarming rate. I understand that the lousiest smartphone you can find is smarter than the computers that guided the Apollo moon landings.



And for that kind of money, I think a watch needs to look good. I am not alone. According to a survey of more than 1,000 consumers conducted by Carlisle & Gallagher, 53% say a wearable device should “look attractive.”



Smaller isn’t necessarily better when it comes to a watch face, but we are probably not too far off from the device itself to be able to self-contain into your watchband — or even just the buckle.

Frankly, if I am spending $10,000 for a watch, it better be a Breitling.



Hey, a guy can dream can’t he?